Turn Self-Care Into Real Change: Stop the Leaks, Fill the Cup
We’ve all heard the phrase “You can’t pour from an empty cup”—a gentle reminder that self-care is what fills us back up. But a recent post I read from a clinical psychologist offered a different take that really struck me.
What if your cup isn’t actually a cup? What if it’s a colander?
If you have holes or drains in your system, no amount of self-care—massages, baths, yoga classes, supplements—will ever feel like enough. The benefit and impact of these good practices simply leak out.
That landed hard for me, and maybe for you too. Because when you think about it, it’s not just how much we pour into ourselves that matters, but how much of it actually stays.
The Colander Analogy
Think of self-care as water. If your nervous system is full of small cracks or drains—unresolved stressors, hidden health issues, or lifestyle mishaps—then the water seeps straight through. You end up exhausted, overwhelmed, and wondering why all your efforts don’t add up to more resilience or calm.
The truth is, self-care only becomes powerful when we also seal the drains.
The 5 Biggest Drains I See in Clinic
1. Poor Sleep
Hot flushes, night sweats, restless legs, or simply a racing mind at 2am—sleep disruption is one of the most common drains. Without restorative sleep, the nervous system never fully resets, leaving you wired, tired, and more reactive to stress.
2. Not Fuelling Your Body and Mind
Too much caffeine, skipped meals, processed foods, or not enough protein, fibre, and micronutrients—your brain and body can’t function at their best if they’re not properly fuelled. Under-nourishment is a constant leak on your energy, mood, and resilience.
3. Not Putting Yourself First
So many women have spent decades taking care of everyone else—partners, children, workplaces, parents—while putting their own needs last. By the time midlife arrives, self-sacrifice feels normal. But neglecting yourself is a steady drain on your nervous system and your sense of wellbeing.
4. Never Saying No
Whether it’s to extra work, family obligations, social commitments or just eating well, many women feel guilty about setting limits. But always saying yes—even when your body, mind, or heart are saying no—drains energy faster than almost anything else.
5. Waiting for Everything to Be Perfect
“I’ll start exercising when we move house.”
“I’ll eat better on Monday.”
“I’ll prioritise myself when life calms down.”
Perfectionism and waiting for the “right” time keeps you stuck. This mindset is one of the biggest leaks I see—because the perfect time rarely comes. Starting small, right where you are, is what makes the difference.
So, What Can You Do?
Instead of just topping yourself up, start asking: Where are my drains?
Do I need help with sleep?
Am I fuelling myself properly?
What is one thing I can do for myself, first and always?
Do I need to practise saying no?
What can I start right now? Imperfectly but at least, I start.
By sealing even one or two of these leaks, you’ll notice your self-care suddenly “sticks” better. The nervous system feels calmer. Your energy lasts longer. And the rituals that once felt like bandaids begin to feel like deep medicine.
Takeaway: Self-care matters, but it’s not the whole story. For women in midlife, it’s about both filling your cup and mending the colander.